Indulge me for a moment and imagine if you will, the following scene:
The year is 2069. At the ripe old age of 74, I find myself bedridden in hospice care. Years of hard living out on the edge of society have left my body wracked with every form of medical malady known to man: brain hemorrhoids, rheumatism of the bladder, boner probs, the list goes on.
My personal nurse, Boron, sits at my bedside, doing their damnedest to choke back tears, as they watch my rugged, hairy chest heave and rattle as I draw my agonizing last few breaths on this mortal plane.
“How?” Boron asks, looking up to the ancient Gods above, “How can a man of such stature, such worldliness, be reduced to this husk that I see before me? How can a man who was known to so many be without a single witness as he enters his twilight hours? Without a single friend?”
But little does Boron know that I have friends who are always with me, friends that only I can see.
My eyes shine bright with tears as my true friends appear before me, friends who never spilled shit on my carpet without cleaning it up, friends who never joked about wanting to fuck my hot mom. One by one these shimmering entities take form, looking the same as when I first met them so many years ago.
“You didn’t seriously think that we’d miss out on your passing, did you ba-baka!?”
In spite of the pain, I manage to let out a small, whistling chuckle. I never thought that I’d see that little bug zapper Misaka here at the end!
“There’s no need to be such a little pussy about this whole thing, everyone’s gotta go sometime, idiot.”
Wow! Revy, too? What did I do to deserve such great friends? Could this death get any better?
Then finally, as if as a sign from the Gods above that it was time, he arrived. That knucklehead ninja with an attitude. That orange-clad shinobi warrior from the Hidden Leaf Village.
I use what little energy I have left to call out his name as he extends his hand towards me.
“Na-Na…”
Boron leans forward in their chair, taking my hand. “What is it, Mr. Ethan? What is it?”
“Naru…Naru…”
Boron clenches my hand with their little mitts, as if holding on tight will keep me grounded just a little bit longer.
“Naruto”
Unable to take it any longer, Boron puts their ear to my mouth, tears streaming down their face. “What is it? Please, Mr. Ethan, I’ll tell the world your story!”
A smile spreads across my wrinkled old mug, as I prepare to utter what might be the most important words I’ve ever spoken in my entire life.
“If you believe it.”
All of the tension in my body releases. My last breath slips out from between my lips… and it’s finally over. Boron throws itself on top of me, or what used to be me, sobbing their eyes out.
FIN
Not really sure where I was going with that. I think the idea came about when I was pondering what one thinks about on their death bed. Personally, I know for a FACT that I won’t be thinking about the following works of Japanimation on my death bed… mainly because I actually don’t remember a goddamn thing about them.
Nerawareta Gakuen
Released: 2012
Seent: 2015
Wow. When I was initially coming up with the concept for this list, I thought that I might need to exaggerate somewhat. “My memory isn’t that fucked!” I lied. “There’s no way that I could sit down and consume an entire feature-length film and remember not even a single detail from it!”
How naïve I was.
I’ll/CKBC
Released: 2002
Witnessed: 2017
I think this one was a very silly OVA about gay basketball players. There might have been a pool at one point? I don’t think any of them did the fuck, but they might in the source material.
Mardock Scramble: The First Compression
Released: 2010
Experienced: 2015
Now this one is particularly interesting, because I actually remember not remembering this one. That is to say that I felt this movie leaving my brain the moment it entered. I don’t know what the fuck was going on in 2015, that must be when Declan and I started drinking.
The only memory I have from this fever-dream nightmare is the vague recollection of dead prostitute in a limo next to some body of water. I think that might be the first thirty seconds of the movie. The color palette is blue as hell, too.
Buttobi!! CPU
Released: 1997
Consumed: 2018
This is just sad. I mean, I watched this thing only 13 months ago and even still I can only remember a couple of details. There’s a kid who wants to fuck his robot teacher or something. At one point I believe that they move in together and everyone is kinda okay with it…
Did this show get kinda heart wrenching at a certain point? I think I was actually somewhat invested in this nonsense.
Glasslip
Released: 2014
Appreciated: 2014
I have a confession to make… it’s taken me a while to work up the courage to admit this, but here it goes:
I suffer from Stockholm Syndrome.
There, I said it. It feels so good to get that off my chest… phew.
I’ve seen Glasslip in its entirety twice, and what’s more is that I actually thought that I enjoyed it. I remember watching it, nodding my head periodically and thinking to myself, “Hey, I enjoy this!”
And what do I have to show for both of these viewings?
Nothing. Fucking nil.
If I really try my best to dig up every last detail, I can recall some vague memories of a bunch of autistic children going hiking… one of them is sickly and reads books. One of them can like, maybe see the future when she looks at glass beads? Or is it just one particular bead? Does one of them dress up like girls? Wait, fuck that’s Anohana…
What is the fucking point of Glasslip? No seriously, not even in like a “Hurr durr, there ain’t no plot!” kind of way, but I mean what is the purpose in watching Glasslip once, let alone TWICE?! What did I feel when watching it? I honestly cannot recall for the fucking life of me.
Please help.
Be First to Comment